Epiphany

I knew it, I saw it, and it came. I didn't figure it would hit me this hard. There are so many things going on with my life right now and it's absolutely overwhelming. Life feels really unbalanced right now....And as much as I want to set my priorities straight and pave the right path for myself, I always end up losing in hindsight. I know I'm better than this, I really am. But it has always been the case where I'm just a sore loser and a fuck up in the end. Till this very day I have yet to fix it and instead let such things drag me down even some more. Why? Why do I always put myself in the same constant situations--it's inevitable. I need to sit down and really contemplate hard about this because it's affecting not only my life but others around me as well. There is this thing called integrity, a call to truth. And what is there to truth that I can't really grasp? I know what it is and it's holding me back. And there is responsibility, a whole different matter and issue which correlates with integrity. Being held accountable and punctual about things; knowing what's more and least important. Throughout life we learn what really matters and don't. But one thing we always ignore is the simple fact that it's not really about what matters or not. Rather, it's about knowing why these things matter and why some do not. Weird how I may know so much but in hindsight I lose all grasp of these concepts or philosophy if you will. It's as if I have come to accept my karma already when I haven't done anything. It's because I know what's bound to happen. How many wake-up calls do I fucking need? I've had too many of them already and it's at the point where I'm at the brink of just giving up entirely. I can hope but hopes come a very long way. I can say these things but words are nothing but proclamations. I can wine but it'll get me no where. What I can do is begin to appreciate why these things are the way the are and how it manifested itself. Right now, it's not a very pleasant scene and it's a genuine disappointment. What I can do is let my actions speak for itself because I believe actions speaks louder than words. No, they really do. I don't deserve chances and I shouldn't. What I should deserve is the sort of change I want to see for myself. That is, become successful in whatever I do in life without taking any shortcuts and excuses. The time is always now. It's not about tomorrow or yesterday, it's about what we make of it today and that is the change. Sac the fuck up Tan and let's handle shit the RIGHT WAY.