Silence in Scum

I've never...felt so dumbfounded and distraught. Really. I guess it's a great paradox to say those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. But apparently that's just the opposite with some other people. To be sitting down next to someone who literally steals your breath away your voice becomes only shallower. I don't know what it was it could have been anything. Hope, fear, nervousness, happiness. Suddenly I knew I never felt as strongly for another person as I did at that moment. Had it been possible, I wished I never stood frozen. Frozen in thoughts that I couldn't freely express myself. I wanted to tell her my thoughts. I wanted to interject in between the conversations and offer a piece of saying. I wanted to really say something, but the sound of her voice silenced the emotions inside me. I really don't know what it was. My throat was tightened by the constancy of thoughts. My eyes were so locked at fluent tongues.I could only smiled softly and nod because for the very first time in a very long time did I feel the way I felt that night. I haven't been this close and personal with another person in years. And when it happened, the world stopped revolving around me. At that very singular point in time and space, what was most important in the universe was that piece of matter. It was dark, it was chaotic, it was mysterious, it was unknown, it was an energy to be reckon with nevertheless. It was gravitationally responsible for my shortcoming and indeed it was. And from what we know about our universe every dying star in our universe dies a violent death. This is exactly what it felt like.

I'm sorry for you having to experience what you did that night. I'm sorry for speechlessly telling you that silence is always the best answer. I'm sorry for making you feel like silence is betrayal. I'm sorry for being that mirror because I've always thought you needed another perspective of yourself with someone else there. I'm really not one too hate nor fear, I really ain't. And if you ever felt either I don't blame you. I'm different in many respects that some people to this day still can't figure out and admire. But for you to privately attack my persona really did feel like a star in the universe that ended so unexpectedly. I honestly could not blame you for your feelings and most certainly could not accuse you of your wrongdoings. I'm someone who easily forgives but hardly forgets.

I'm not asking for any repent. I want you to know that you've been forgiven way before you even got into greater details about how much of a scum I was. All that I have ever wished for that night was to openly listen to you because deep down I really know there's a much greater problem in the universe that you yourself couldn't explain. All I wanted you to know was that a second opinion or ears were something you wanted all along. All that I have hoped for was to know you better but who really knows at this point. I'm sorry nonetheless.

"Too many people seem to believe that silence was a void that needed to be filled, even if nothing important was said."
— Nicholas Sparks (Nights in Rodanthe)