Three Years Later

PART I: 3/4/2012 Aprox. 2pm Sunday Afternoon.

It's 2012, can you believe it? Just quickly, stop yourself at this very second and moment and in 10 seconds think about all the shit that have happened to you in the past 3 years. Never had it cross my mind until much recently I would be this compelled to come back and write again. But with recent inspiring events, motivation, and that 10 second of rude awakening, I can confidently say I'm coming back to write with all good intentions. And as I sit here in real time listening to sultry music, sipping on a glass of green tea, pondering about the tiramisu from last night, basking in my crowded room with the sun radiating from the windows, I tap into my subconscious mind to let my fingers punch away at the keyboard as my lips slowly move up and down to the words as I retype and repeat these sentences. "Here I go, here it is again, this doesn't sound right, well maybe that's a bit a better," says Tan. It's more than just a thought process; it's a spiritual and emotional thing. It's about composing a symphonic score that resonates the ears and touches the soul. It's about finding the right words to help you paint a bigger picture so when you come back to reflect on your own self you discover a more meaningful human being. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

For those past 3 defining years of my life I have come across many tribulations trying so hard to make a name for myself. It was difficult, it was genuine, a private struggle nonetheless. Looking back, I have to tell you I've been through a shitload of situations to get to where I'm at today and become the person I am now. Never in a million year had I one). dedicated myself to an educational path with a clear direction of where and what I want to do professionally (material/computer scientist and a nanoengineer/researcher with Intel or IBM) two). become employed at one of the most prestigious engineering company in the silicon valley (Applied Materials Inc) three). drive a NEW (sorta) car bought from the dealership (man did I feel like a straight up grown man) and four). meet all the new wonderful friends whom have brought me nothing but delight and joy (you guys know who you are). I just feel so grateful for all the past and recent blessings and without them I truly wouldn't know where I would be standing today. More importantly, I think the one most significant discovery throughout these past years, months, and days is my philosophy on life. Not ever a single day do I not step out of the house and think to myself how great it'll be to touch someone's lives be it helping a friend cope with her relationshit problems, inspiring my classmates about a career in science and technology, putting a smile on the people's faces at work, or even chasing my worries away during traffic by tailgating jackasses and douches (yes I find pleasure in that...it's a testament to my awesome driving capability and control). I want people to really appreciate and know what they have in life because happiness shouldn't be sought after. Happiness, should find you. Happiness is knowing something or someone who holds a far deeper meaning than it's actual worth and face value. Happiness, as I'll quote myself to a really sweet friend, comes from realizing how bless you are even despite hardships, learning to love even through heartbreaks, and forgiving when it hurts too much and knowing with each opportunity you get in life is only a testimony to something even greater.

I have to admit, I did make a lot of regretful decisions that were against my better judgement. Some in vain, some for granted. But despite those days, you can only learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for the best tomorrow. Really, you just keep moving forward with the audacity to stay optimistic regardless of your position in life. No more girlfriend/boyfriend? No problem, muster up the courage to talk to those who you never gave a chance to! Can't find a job? Well, shit keep looking cause there will ALWAYS be a job for you and if not do what it'll take to be part of that workforce! Shitty grades? Study harder! Really people, the solutions are really simple to life. We're part of this bigger equation attempting to figure out what is best for us and how we should be the best at what we do but sometimes, and actually often, we just take the wrong steps and not on purpose too. And when we do you ask yourself, "am I really doing this right? Is this even RIGHT to begin with? What other methodologies or standards should I even abide to." It's this realm of uncertainty and doubt that people really stray away from. And because of this very reason we often do the same shit in the same circumstance expecting different results every time. Certainly, these are really tough questions to answer but if you don't stop questioning yourself you will never find an answer. Because guess what? There is really no one solve all answer to life. In fact, there's no answer at all. The only answer and solution to all your first world problems are yourself. Until you can figure yourself out then will you realize how important you are in the decision making process of life.

Ultimately, never stop questioning or doubting yourself. Life to me was about constantly questioning myself to help me realize what sort of milestones I have reached and what I can and haven't reached yet. For me, the past strike to me as interesting, some unworthy of your time, some wasteful, but more importantly some that have gave me purpose and reason. I've acquired various forms of discipline to upkeep with the questions in which I pose to myself every day. You ask, "what sort of questions?" Well, for beginners how do you light a candle back when the fire is gone? And more ambiguously, what happens when there aren't any more candle wax. Trust me, there is no easy answer. What I can suggest is a belief; it's this very belief that the longer you keep a candle on fire the more devoted you are to yourself. However, we often neglect ourselves to do other goods and deeds. We escape our own reality and troubles to help, admire, or even hurt others out there in the world as a form of positive reinforcement when in retrospect you're doing more harm to yourself than anything else. We can only do so much for everyone and that is also a glaring first world problem. We often forget about giving ourselves the attention it deserves and in turn become blindsided by all these superficial distractions. Helen Keller puts best, "when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." At such phase in life, your fire either slowly burn out or is out altogether. Your fire...is a reflection of your identity don't you let yourself forget that. It is a testament to how much you can do for yourself and what you can provide to a world crowding in darkness. When you let a fire fade you shut yourself off from the world. You find an excuse to crowd into darkness like the others without any conscious regards to yourself because there, at least you feel much more safe and secured. It's OK to be distracted but it's not OK to make such excuses to be distracted.

Having learned to not beat myself over the years about insecurity, love, work, and school, remaining optimistic and grateful despite life's bullshit can pull you through not only the dark but also help keep your fire burning. After all, you glow more as a person when you have a hopeful perspective of life. No excuse me not hopeful, but daring.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.”
― Albert Einstein, Relativity: The Special and the General Theory



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