The Art of Being Single

The Art of Contentment
For most of us, being single will be more of a phase than a final destination. This is the best place to practice the art of contentment. Someday, I’m sure most of us will fall in love and get married. But the thing is, love will always be tested. Someone more handsome,beautiful, more charming, richer, funnier, sweeter would come along. If you have not practiced the art of contentment as a single person, chances are you would be tempted to want that and not cherish your chosen one. Practicing the Art of Contentment as a single person means that you take what life gives you, good or bad, you’re willing to see it through. It means you don’t walk away every time things get tough because it builds in you patience, perseverance, understanding and a hundred different virtues that people in a hurry will never have. Being single means you would find how it feels to be alone thus, allowing you to cherish every moment you spend with your chosen one. The art of contentment means you wouldn’t mind if life had to make you wait for so long to find the love of your life, because you know that the waiting would only make the finding much sweeter.

A Time to Know Yourself Better
Being single is a time of your life when you can get to know yourself better. You can pursue different interest and passions without having to ask another person’s approval. It is a phase when you can keep focus on other things, discover your potentials and talents, and see yourself become more than what you expect to be. Allow yourself to surprise you. Stop wasting precious energy trying to figure out why you’re still romantically unattached. It’s all in the mind. Take the time to go see your friends, spend time with your family, do charity work and you will realize that you are not, and never for one moment, was alone. Try to get to know yourself first before you try to get to know other people. To be truly loved means to be known and accepted for who you are. How do you expect other people to know you and to love you, when you don’t know who and what you really are?

A Choice Between Good and Best
Sometimes the dilemmas we face are not between what is absolutely bad and absolutely good. Sometimes, it’s between good and best. Treat this stage of your life as a phase to evaluate who is good for you and who is best for you. Sometimes, you won’t hear music, or feel magic to know who’s best for you. The heart just knows and it doesn’t need any romantically charged scenario to decide on the matter. Trust in your heart, and trust that time will eventually lead you to, not to the perfect partner, but to the most suitable partner for you. Being single is a phase of life that we need to be thankful for, because being single means our hearts have yet to choose the best one for us.

Take Your Time, The World Will Wait
Being married doesn’t guarantee that it will make your life happy. It doesn’t guarantee anything at all. Sometimes, it only brings two miserable people together only to make their life even more miserable. Without the right intention, the emotional maturity, financial security and of course, unwavering love, you’re better off unattached.

Living Life
Don’t put your life on hold for Mr. and Mrs. Right but don’t let it waste away with Mr.or Mrs. Wrong. Life is about things that you do and happen to you everyday. It’s not about the things that could have happened but never did, or things that you think would happen in the future. Live life now. Live it to the fullest and stop beating yourself up, trying to be perfect on a Saturday night date. Allow life to surprise you with it’s most wonderful blessings.

#single.

The Resolution

So spring quarter officially starts tomorrow. Though I'm a bit afraid of what lies ahead of me, all I can do is view this fear as an opportunity. These past months, I've been blessed with all these hindrances and 'spirit-crushers'; I have never felt so put down in my life. To be able to follow through, put up with the BS, and forget these worries, I can honestly say it's a good feeling. However, there's always that small thing that gets you and sometimes you can't get over it. Hopefully, I can sort out these problems more effectively and not have to worry and be carefree. Course being carefree per se is a total different connotation from being careless. Let's just hope I don't fall under the careless category these next 3 months.

Some things I'd like to update and talk about: my expectations. I know I have talked about how much of a failure and fuck-up I was and because of this change is the only solution to this problem of mine. I know I have to be the change I want to see but is this just another excuse for me to really not...care? Or better yet, worry? I seriously hope this isn't another hoax, conspiracy, or even facade! Sigh* Just do it and everything will be fine, right? Some of the things I'd like to see these upcoming months: 1) End procrastination 2) Better time management 3) BUDGET! 4) Study my ASS off (ok I'll admit, I didn't do as much last quarter but this time it'll be a different story) 4) shoot for straight A's (despite how much of a BS next quarter is) 5) get a job (or go back to reffing as last resort) 6) Pay off debts (I owe so many people money and apologize for the inconvenience!) 7) Sleep 7-8hrs consistently. 8) Meditate & workout 9) Master Prioritization (THIS, is a must).

I have to admit, last quarter I had it good when it came down to my financial situation. Now, everything just sizzled and I am a broke fucker. No, seriously, I have absolutely no money at all. I can't let this fiscal crisis be a burden and stress me out. I believe that everything will find it's way. Like love, money will come. The mantra for these upcoming weeks and maybe months: don't worry, be happy.

Furthermore, I want to express my apologies to the team for my lack of commitment for this upcoming month. They know my current situation right now and there are some things I'd like to prioritize first before diving head first into practices. Also, I want express my gratitude to the people I have met thus far in this team. I wrote a little excerpt for this website and I hope you guys can see where I'm coming from on this one:
"Blood, sweat, and tears; the constant drama, bitter bickering, and endless fights. In lieu this may all seem as if we were in some soap opera but it's what my teammate and I undergo every time something goes awry. Through this we have learned from each other, grown on one another, and matured all together. Today, we have overcome our biggest feats yet succeeding consistently in a regional league. Because of our hardships, we realize the true potential in not only each individuals, but as a collective group. We strive to perform and represent what's best: our pride, respect, camaraderie, sponsors, and more importantly our community. To be able to shed insight on those who have little to no knowledge of what it is like being in a team. This is Paintball: the reason why our brotherhood has become the victim of its own success."

Yesterday, we had our practice since the last tournament (which was 3 weeks ago) and when we played together I can see the fluidity in our team. We played off each-other, communicated, and played like an actual team. It was truly an inspirational scene and moment. To see us at our brightest moments we can only shine some more in the future. Textbook and gumption gentlemen--right here right now. Love you bitches. No homo.

I should really sleep now, I have to wake up at 6 in the morning from now on every monday and wednesday for chem. Crappy thing is I have calc at 6pm so it'll be a rather long hefty day. But Ghandi once said, "patience is self-suffering." So a little bit of enduring and patience and things will be fine in the end. Everything is ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end, right?

Remember to treat opportunities as not a burden but rather a time to see change. You want good? Then expect good. You want results? Then seek results. You want respect? Then earn respect. Half-ass will not suffice until you've reached the endpoint.

The most philosophical and longest blog to date. I hope I can look back at this when in times of doubt or whatever the situation may be and tell myself, "hey, everything is ok, you're better than this."

Epiphany

I knew it, I saw it, and it came. I didn't figure it would hit me this hard. There are so many things going on with my life right now and it's absolutely overwhelming. Life feels really unbalanced right now....And as much as I want to set my priorities straight and pave the right path for myself, I always end up losing in hindsight. I know I'm better than this, I really am. But it has always been the case where I'm just a sore loser and a fuck up in the end. Till this very day I have yet to fix it and instead let such things drag me down even some more. Why? Why do I always put myself in the same constant situations--it's inevitable. I need to sit down and really contemplate hard about this because it's affecting not only my life but others around me as well. There is this thing called integrity, a call to truth. And what is there to truth that I can't really grasp? I know what it is and it's holding me back. And there is responsibility, a whole different matter and issue which correlates with integrity. Being held accountable and punctual about things; knowing what's more and least important. Throughout life we learn what really matters and don't. But one thing we always ignore is the simple fact that it's not really about what matters or not. Rather, it's about knowing why these things matter and why some do not. Weird how I may know so much but in hindsight I lose all grasp of these concepts or philosophy if you will. It's as if I have come to accept my karma already when I haven't done anything. It's because I know what's bound to happen. How many wake-up calls do I fucking need? I've had too many of them already and it's at the point where I'm at the brink of just giving up entirely. I can hope but hopes come a very long way. I can say these things but words are nothing but proclamations. I can wine but it'll get me no where. What I can do is begin to appreciate why these things are the way the are and how it manifested itself. Right now, it's not a very pleasant scene and it's a genuine disappointment. What I can do is let my actions speak for itself because I believe actions speaks louder than words. No, they really do. I don't deserve chances and I shouldn't. What I should deserve is the sort of change I want to see for myself. That is, become successful in whatever I do in life without taking any shortcuts and excuses. The time is always now. It's not about tomorrow or yesterday, it's about what we make of it today and that is the change. Sac the fuck up Tan and let's handle shit the RIGHT WAY.

Seriously

For real, like what the fuck? Is it that easy to brush it off like that; I really don't understand. To kick someone off the pedestal and put dirt on them some more. I might as well dig my own grave. A truly feeble attempt, yes it was. Heaven knows it could have gone worse. God, how pointless. Please just stop already. The worst feeling in this world is to be hurt by unjust reasons. Logic and flaws coincide nicely, doesn't it? How bout reality and materialism? Don't even bear the thought of crossing this line. Are we on the same page now?

Never in My Life [the update]

Now I know. haha, my goodness what a long ass weekend. Keep posted. to be continue...

You Got Me Rain

Rain is such a depressing weather. I didn't get to even play paintball today with the team. So so so sad. I wish this cold, wet, and windy ordeal to end soon, please. Will someone also slap me in the face for not being able to prioritize my studies.

Severly Ill and Valentineless

I never thought this day would come but it has suddenly struck me. There were those subtle hints and subliminal messages. I made no effort to take notice so I simply shrugged it off thinking to myself, nothing will happen. My ego got in the way and pride manifests itself. It's this flaw that eventually made its way up to my body. The fragility of life has finally met its demise and gradual destruction.

In other words, I got fucking sick. I mean this isn't any of my typical illness, however. It's far beyond what my expectations of it were. Having built a fairly robust and high-defensive immune system in the 3 past years, my body finally gave out. I mean throughout this winter I was maybe ill here and there. Majority of it were minor cold that were easily over in l day. I think the symptom started last week when I noticed heavy bronchial chest pains and constant coughs. Now, it's worse than before; I've become extremely-ill. Man, it's honestly the worst feeling ever. My body severely sore, constant coughing/weezing, the infamous sore throat, and typical headaches. And what's even worst is any slight temperature change my body overly reacts to it. Had a mid-term today for math class and it wasn't a pleasant scene. The ending, however, was hilarious. After handing our dreadful tests back, he puts on some reggae with the dude singing, "be happy, don't worry." Haha, he made my day. But yeah, feels like I'm dying.

Anyhow, I didn't feel too well so I skipped classes and went home. I have two midterms to be studying for but my body is not fully cooperating. I can't even think straight let alone write a coherent and logical sentence. No just kidding, otherwise I wouldn't manage posting this blog up. I hope I will get better soon by tomorrow (or today...tuesday). Reminder to self: wash hands frequently, drink LOTs of water, wear an ample amount of layer to keep warm, and take hot steamy baths with eagle brand medicated oil (yes I know, hella asian) to relieve any body aches. Oh yeah. Had a rather awkward and painful dream--nightmare if you will. It was very realistic and surreal. All I could see were black figures, most which I could not make out what it was. It was really weird. There were constant pressures and weight on my body. I was literally trying to fight it off in my dream. Every effort made were futile and I find myself later pinned by this dark force. My friend told me there is a saying in Korean about these dreams; they're also known as the demon dream. That scared the living shit out of me hahah. I woke up with my body sweating like crazy, ehh. I hope to get over this sickness soon.

As far as valentines, oh man haha. Recently, my buddies have asked me if I had one and if there were any plans that day. I gave them an immediate answer of a 'no.' I'm even a bit saddened by my own answer. Throughout the past valentines I have done absolutely nothing nor did I ask anyone out. I would really love to change that but I don't see it happening. Why? Simply because I have no interests in anyone anymore (well, sorta..ok maybe I lied haha) and I've come accept the whole time will tell mantra. Time does definitely tell you something: Tan doesn't have a special someone. Where the hell is she? I've pondered about that too. Makes me wonder what have I been doing this whole time. Not that I absolutely need her to be by my side but it's always nice to have that sort of 3Cs is what I call it, companionship, comfort, and company. I suppose we will let time dictate the future once again. They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. I wish all happy couples out there a happy valentines filled with happy magical moments and happy memories and all that happiness that comes along with it. That's hella happy status. =] And to those singles out there, you are where you're at not because you've placed yourself there but you let it happen. And admit it, being single is good; it's a nice sense of irresponsibility. Though do take the moment to thank your friends and family for what they have done for you. Valentines shouldn't be a day of full of mushy, superficial materialism. Rather it's a day that calls for appreciation and acknowledging that simple fact. Go out and show some love. Cheers.

The Song

GAH! Omfg, it's killing me. I just found a freaking bomb ass korean song and I can't seem to find the artist nor the actual title of the song. WTF MAN! akshdjaj gkadsujkdh asj. Hahaha, found it by mistake in some random myspace. You gotta love those. And so I sent this girl a message in regards to this song. I'm so stalking this girl until I get my damn answer. It's really driving me crazy right now. I have an obsession with korean r&b and this one in particular just blew most of my favorite songs out of the water. No lies. It's titled, "When he says goodbye." http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=360950054

Someone please help me find this song D;

edit: I want this mp3 player and the girl:

Fuck My Life ch.1

Just wow. An epic day full of fail. Woke up this morning thinking I was going to be early for math class. As senseless, stubborn, lazy, and stupidly distracted I am, I got extremely carried away with my internet. The internet, yes. The fucking necromantic devil. Class starts at 10am. I barely got ready by 9:15 and left the house at 9:35am. To myself? "Shit, I'm late again." Now you see, coming to his lectures are so so so important. Not only is he a good teacher but he teaches you valuable crap that makes you want to learn more about math. I've never felt that way about math till I took his class. Truly inspirational. Okay but to the point. My drive to school is a rather long one, say give or take 20-25mins (course there's all that bull shit variable involved like me speeding and traffic and what not). But with traffic it's like hell brought to earth (that's a whole different story). Expect a delay of up to 45mins or hour drive. SCREW THAT.

I thought I was going to be early. As I am coasting my way to school I suddenly hit the most BS traffic. Dude, seriously WTF. And to think I was going to be early granted the time constraint I was under. Just my fucking luck. Got to school at 9:58am and now I find myself looking for parking. So here's the thing, this teacher has a strict attendant policy. Because he's one of the few that actually respects those who are punctual and locks the door at 10am sharp so that way no one can bust a Kool-Aid entrance distracting the class in the process. And this is one of the many other reasons I took his class. I got to the door and it was shut locked. I was 3 minutes late. Had that incident not occurred, I would have been somewhat early, or 'on-time' respectively. Oh well, lesson learned. I'm leaving my house at 9:00 now. But still, I WOULD HAVE MADE IT!

Ran some errands and talked to the financial aid office about my check (money) situation. The money was suppose to be directly deposited into my bank account today, however, no money shown up. Had the F.Aid director come put and chatted with him and settled the confusion. He knew my financial situation as well as the situation at home and with my mom. I'm pretty persistent about how, when, and where my money's going, especially when it comes down to such a huge sum of cash. Long story short, I'm getting 1500.00 next week. SCORE.

And so today I fed myself to my heart's content during lunch. Bought 5lbs worth of lasagna, asked the server to give me all they had. HAHA. I was starving ok! Also, I think eating is one of my the best way to cope with all the stress and depression (not that I am depressed..or I hope not). I just love eating and my friends will tell you, I CAN EAT.

Today's schedule dictate another day with a 3 hour break till my next class: Chem. What did I do? Studied like a good boy. I think I'm starting to appreciate this whole studying concept, let alone doing hw while you're at it. It's a good feeling to know you're getting something done and you've accomplished a goal. And let me tell you what, I'm a total lag when it comes down to hw, reading, and studying. I can't naturally find that motivation to do it as much as I did when I was in middle school and high school (with the given exception to sophomore and senior year). Oh god, was I such one lazy mother fooker. That's a thing with me, I have the capacity, will, and knowledge to learn, do, and master a particular whatever it may be but I just lack that heart and motivation. And I know I've fucked up during those years when I did absolutely nothing and till this very day I still regret it. I think I need a girlfriend to keep me in check. IN CHECK.

A chem night class constitutes a very long night. Not only do you have your usual 2 hr lectures but you also have the BS pre-lab lecture which can eat up an additional 30mins to an hour of your time and then the lab in which also takes up about another 2 hour (or sometimes even longer depending on the Lab). You do the math. Wedsnesday are lab days so I held my breath till lab time. And oh my goodness was tonight's lab long or WHAT. Not only was the shit tedious but the calculation part of the lab took so much time. I kept running my answers through the professor but apparently my sig figs. were off...Yes, he checks for that shit and is very anal about it. So I just gave up; too damn exhausted to yield the accurate answers. Finally done, I walk back to the car with a huge sigh of relief...till then I saw some random dude pushing his car around the parking lot. SHIT.

I'm not cynical nor am I unsympathetic but for some damn reason, I didn't want to help him out hahah, oh so bad. But being the good samaritan I am, I offered him my lending hand. This dude with his 87 mr2 has a totally effed up starter. Tried jump starting and nothing. And finally came down to the point where we had to call my friend up, roll that damn car around the parking lot like idiots, hustle the campus police to play bumper cars with it, all to start the damn car but to no avail. Spent the entire night trying to help this fellow man out and nothing. I felt extremely bad but his car was fucked up anyways. He called in a tow truck and I wished him the best of luck. And so, I FINALLY LEFT.

Home, oh sweet home. There's honestly no other better feeling than coming home after a restless bull shit day. Propped on the computer, changed, and ate the last piece of left over lasagna. Later I find out someone IM'd me. Golly was I not the happiest man on earth hahah. No I kid but a friend who I haven't taken the initiative to talk to anymore said hi and asked if I was doing fine. Told her my situation and that was it. We don't have our 'talks' anymore I guess it's because she's been busy lately/ nowadays but I think either of us have lost all interest in one in another. I don't know anymore. Anyways, that's beside the point. Nothing special between us two. I don't think I'm going to find myself an s/o ('special one') till way later. Time will only tell. Though it is always a nice feeling to have that person giving you the attention you o so desired and crave. It's that constant need of attention and unrequited care that allows us to feel we're of actual worth and time. IF ONLY.


I'm home, happy, lethargic, full, mixed-feelings, relieved, and all of the above. Welcome to the 1/7th part of my multifaceted life.

The Girl

She was someone you've always wanted. But you just can't seem to finish what you started. And you never let someone like this get to you like she did. You didn't mean to lead her on, no not like this. So what now, what now? You play the melodies that call out her wrongs. It's the wishful thinking. Tongues tied and empty mind, no longer are you able to speak. You bid farewells oh was it so ever so silent.

The Message

I've been super lagging on my posts and blog. There's been couple of things that has been happening lately. I'll be sure to update whenever I have the time.

But there's something I just want to say in today's blog:
FCUK YOU. BAGH hjdashdkajdjashaldjasdjkajd
It's one of those you know "moments" type of things. Okay, end story and goodbye.

Hurry Up & Wait

I didn't know about this band till just recently and let me tell you what, they're awesome.
Making April is their name. They've successfully implemented the use of the piano, guitar, cello, and violin to produce a rather harmonious and dramatic sonata. It is an envy of all bands. Subtle by nature yet captivating to one's ears, their melodic tunes and beats will have you swinging your head left and right. Not only their songs is like a symphony but their lyrics are also what makes it the 'complete' package. Packed with a plethora of symbolism, metaphors, and the cliched love story forces its listener to second think about what they are singing about. Making April does a hell of a job of being part of something unique as to a conventional band.

A song that had held dearly to my heart is, "Hurry Up and Wait." It's exactly what I've felt, feel, and will feel.:

I've been told to remember
Keep your lemur eyes wide
Someday you'll make a life of this
So carry on, carry on
But I've become so offense-less
Despite these weapons i bear
Have we toned up our finest
Or did we take this

Too Far down
The road you know I'm scared to go down
I'm waking up anxious to lay back down
'Cause all i can do here is wait
Just wait, I'll hurry up and wait

Well i can't read her expression
'Cause man this vixen she's sly
As she keeps me suspended
I've lost all control of this flight

We've ravaged our chances to shine
Would you take what I'm giving to you or did i take this
Did we take this

Too far down
The road you know I'm scared to go down
I'm waking up anxious to lay back down
'Cause all i can do here is wait, just you wait

So have it your way
I know you'll be watching with gallant eyes
As we shake the wreckage
And break from these hauntingly silent niights
Break from these silent nights
Will this take forever?
We might have a shot if we'd stray
But what's another day

Of hurry up and wait
Hurry up and wait
Hurry up and wait
It's all that you can do now

Friends

They are the genuine diamonds of this earth. Although abundant and precious by virtue, there are only so many pure ones. Moreover, these so happen to be the rarest of them all. Yes, they are the most valuable assets of our lives--a prized possession. These things aren't suppose to be use at our disposal but rather kept. They're not something that can be looked down on nor could it ever be replaceable. It deserves the attentiaon it needs not want.

You see there are many people that I have met throughout my entire life. Many come and go and many stays. Those who have stood by me are the ones that I greatly appreciate and value. Because quite frankly, they're usually the hardest ones to come by. And there are those who may have been there but just have slowly drifted away. I'm talking about the gems where you know you just toss in the drawers and don't even wear or carry around anymore. There is something superficial about them.

I'm truly grateful for everyone that I have met and kept. To those I have neglected and simply thrown away, I'm sorry. If there was only someway to fabricate the worth of these things. Ultimately, their actual worth does not amount to their real price.

And then there's the really special one. Can you only hope that you are something of value to her, something that's not easily tossed away.

'The' Update: 17 January 2009

Oh dear, I am SOOO fucking lazy to finish all the posts I have written thus far. It's a hefty process. I have a general idea about what I want to write about including stuff over this past week. But I've been so dawdling-like this past week. Blagh. So much on the plate.
Also, the aim thing, shit's not going anywhere right now haha. I do not know what I would do without my aim. It is a selfish act on my part and I was not in the right state of mind to begin with. Who knows, I may just cease the use of aim afterall...

On another note, it was the second time I've come out to practice and play paintball with my new team and buddies; it was truly sensational. It has been a two-three month hiatus ever since my summer tournament. I totally refrained from playing after our disappointing lost. The journey in itself, however, was something I would never forget because at the of the end we were all kids playing for the common cause: the passion and thrill for paintball. It wasn't a matter of what but rather why. Shortly weeks after the event I find myself not working for the park anymore, didn't play paintball at all (ok I lie maybe..like ONCE) and focused on school (too bad I 'kinda' slacked) and taking care of my mom. The light was blown away; the passion and thrill vanished. And today...today I made my acclaimed commitment once again. To suddenly step back into this so call, "world," of mine, that was when I knew. It was this epiphany that hit me. I've come to realize paintball beyond any doubt is my scene, the place where I belong. Ever had a feeling where you've missed something, someone, for so long? Well, I think I'm missing paintball. Tis' the time to rekindle what I have missed out on for the longest time.

Today straight up was by far one of my defining inspirational days. I am finally playing again; my friend Erick makes his 6th comeback; we had some team drama; everyone ended up gelling; people were very agg (term to be discussed in the future- Note: I will use this term very often); pictures were taken left and right (yes we paintballers are metro-sexually self-conscious about ourselves; and an epic ass dinner at gilroy's in & out with buncha 16 year olds and teeny boppers. I had a ferraking number 1 Double-Double with another hamburger. OH yeah, Grilled Onions <3

Gah! why is there so much to say about paintball. I'll continue writing about other sub topics about it some day.

We have a tournament in Hollister at our home field, USPN next Sunday, 25. If anyone even care, your support or presence there would make the biggest difference ^__^;
End Rant/ I have a lot of freaking blogs to keep track of and finish. Hang in there. =]
On the meanwhile, stay safe, enjoy life, and have some fun.


p.s. Special and huge thanks to everyone out at the field today. Erick especially who not only is hooking up with some professional photography but has also helped me financially today throughout. Nigguh I love you, bromance all the way. <3

Tan

Dream Log

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AIM dilemma

I think I will extend the use of AIM till next week when everything settles in. By that I mean my school work, sorting out this financial crisis I'm in, stabilizing my emotions that's been on constant flux, and lastly the other blogs I'm working on =]. I suppose it's always a good thing to have couple of posts as to just one? I'm actually excited about this blog being launched soon. And quite frankly there's just so much I have to say...

On the other hand, there are also constant questions regarding about why I'm abolishing this aim from the face of my life. Well, not entirely...I guess we'll find out soon. Can you live life as is without your aim?

Many more to come, and then some.

Tan

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